Oscars Re-cap
Academy Awards has their famed Pre-Show. Something along the lines of the greatest red carpet ever! Stupid. Sherri Sheppard, (who has said out loud, “how do we know the world isn’t flat”) along with Kathy Ireland, and some dude. Kathy Ireland has less interviewing ability than the fart I just exuded. Example…she tells Jeff “going to win a statue” Bridges, “the music is outstanding” and then smashes the mic up to his face. His response “yeah.”
8:25….I can’t understand why the dude from The Blindside was wearing a blue dress and grew his hair out…strange.
8:30….Lead actors and actresses out on stage, cannot figure out who the chick who looks like Haley Joel Osment is, will find out later.
8:34….The VMAs, Grammys and now the Oscars have to have people coming down from the ceiling? Are we supposed to fall all over ourselves and shit our pants and scream “they are flying?” This is entirely over-rated. What isn’t over-rated is Doogie Howser singing! He’s got some pipes. Alec and Steve did pretty solid, although the routine of “picking someone out, giving praise, then making a joke at that person’s expense” got old after the 1000th time they did it! At this point you will not see Alec and Steve for roughly 2 hours.
8:39….Just saw the cast of Precious, I was going to make a joke about Tyler Perry somehow NOT being in that group, he was. I was just getting up to tell Katie that they looked like “Madea’s Family Reunion” when I saw him sitting 4 people down from the dude in The Blindside. Then I realized that the dude from the Blindside was played by the girl from Precious. Talk about range! She can be the molested mother of two, and then strap on a helmet and pancake block a defensive end. You go girl!
9:25….Penelope Cruz should just walk up, NOT GARGLE and then jump up and down and point at the winner. Her inability to master a language that pays her millions of dollars confounds me. Damned if Elizabeth Banks is not smoking hot! And she wears the right jewelry!
I hate when the women don’t wear jewelry! Kristen Stewart, who always looks constipated (with that squinched, forced, closed mouth smile), had no necklace or earrings! Horrible. Several others did too. They need to take a page out of Kate Winslet’s book. She never looks anything short of brilliant.
9:28….Zoe Saldana, BOOM! Talk about a delicious piece of chocolate! I want to clone myself so that me and my clone can run a train on Zoe. In a romantic kind of way. Haley Joel Osment is back…his name is Carey Mulligan.
9:34….My “Soy Bomb” moment finally came (does anyone get that reference?) Best Documentary short film award goes to Music by Prudence (how many times did that movie get googled last night?) Roger Ross Williams gets to the microphone and begins his speech when the tooth fairy from Darkness Falls (http://www.allmoviephoto.com/photo/2003_darkness_falls_003.html) *hyper link not working for some reason, cut and paste if you want* jumps up and starts bitching about letting the men talk for the women! She blathers on about who knows what and then the music cues and he’s cut off. Normally this is a BLAH time of the awards but that kooky bitch really livened things up!
9:37….The final two winners of Short films come up and the first dude talks, and talks and talks….The second dude’s acceptance speech consisted of “I’d like to……MUSIC” He got totally screwed.
9:40….Ben Stiller, immediately began being critical of him. The man doesn’t turn down a script! He’s like a funnier Nick Cage. Ben did well here though, I thought it was funny and deprecating and smart. I liked how he said he’ll stand as far away as possible from the winners. The fishing pole was a nice addition as well.
9:52…Anyone remember Mathew Broderick’s movie Project X? Google it if you haven’t. In the movie there is an old chimpanzee who smokes cigarettes and is crazy strong and grey. He was separated at birth from Morgan Freeman. Just Google “old chimp” and you will see.
9:54….Cameron Diaz, ahhh, Clown mouth chewing gum at the Oscars. You stay classy.
10:00….Monique wins, she’s an Oscar winner. I wonder what this OSCAR WINNER’s next project is going to be? Something edgy and dark again? Or something a little lighter? How about “Steppin’: The Movie.” http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0594898/
I think in a few years people will look back and ask themselves if one’s body of work should discount one great performance. Should the star of such films as “Phat Girlz” and “Hair Show” really have an Oscar? Academy FAIL!
10:01….Now that there are 10 Best Films…they added an extra hours worth of shit.
10:09….Steve and Alec making a joke about clothes whore. Then it gets flipped to clothes horse? Which leads to Sarah Jessica Parker (horse face) walking out? Did I miss something?
10:10….Some uppity bitch won her third Oscar for Costume Design…and she had the ugliest dress of the night, along with a beret. How does that work. That’s like winning an award for skinniest person and showing up fat! (I know that’s a weak metaphor)
10:22….Zac Highschool musical and Anna Kendrick. This chick is gorgeous! I googled her last night, prior to googling myself! *rim shot* I have never seen her before, mainly because I’m not 15 years old with a vagina.
10:37…. The attack of Avatar begins! Demi Moore is 47 years old. She is the reason people use Human Growth Hormone. You don’t look like that with plastic surgery and “drinking more water.” You have to have a big chemistry set! She looks 26 years old, at least from 20 feet away.
10:40…. When the hell did Dom DeLuise die? May….hmmm.
10:47….Dancers….Damnit I hate dancers!
10:48….I no longer hate dancers, just MOST dancers. These dudes looked like they were coming from shooting a Gap commercial but did some sweet moves. Cannot find any video of the dance routine, but I was impressed.
10:53….Best acceptance speech of the night. Michael Giacchino won for Original Score, for Up.
“If you want to be creative, get out there and do it. It’s not a waste of time”
I couldn’t agree more.
11:04….Winner for Best Documentary is The Cove. I both want to watch this, but will probably cry like a bitch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYKNCN1ESZM
The thing that makes me giggle though (nothing to do with the movie itself) is that Fisher Stevens is involved with the movie. Of course he is most famous (at least in my mind) for wearing brown make-up and playing the Indian nerd in Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2. http://images.google.com/images?sourceid=navclient&rlz=1T4TSHB_enUS312US313&q=fisher+stevens+short+circuit&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=8UCVS_esJYHMNKz_pfYN&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=4&ved=0CB8QsAQwAw
11:05….Oh Tyler Perry, how I hate thee.
11:07….Film editing award. I am slowly rocking back and forth and whispering “not avatar” and then Hurt Locker gets it. Just wishing District 9 could pull some award tonight.
11:41….Was in living room, back getting tickled (my wife rules). Bullock’s lipstick looks weird.
Having 5 people stand up there and slurp the nominees for best actress and actor is stupid, and it takes too long. Then directly after that they re-announce the nominees!
Bullock wins a Razzie and an Oscar on the same weekend. Hollywood, you suck at life!
11:52….Babs Streisand = Gross. She looks like McGruff the Crime Dog with a wig on. Best Directing….again I’m rocking and whispering. And again! Hurt Locker.
FYI- I watched most of Hurt Locker, but got bored with it. There were just expanses of time with no score (I get the emptiness is being shown, and building tension) but I just kind of got bored with it, now I have to go rent it again and power through the whole thing.
You might have noticed how I root against Avatar incessantly, it’s because I think best picture should also be based on a cost analysis basis. Take budget into account. The ratio of how much a movie cost and how much it made. I just feel like all the brain-dead retards are out there going “Avatar Avatar Avatar” because they hear other people screaming about it. I hope it doesn’t win best picture damnit!
11:56…Best Picture….*rocking and whispering*…..Hurt Locker again. Kudos lady director!
