The grammys blew
I’ve never been one for “awards season” and it’s pretty evident why. Awards shows usually suckass, which of course means, I don’t agree with who won. This year was not much different; although I care less about the Grammys then I do the Emmys.
There is soooo little on TV and I didn’t feel like standing up and putting a DVD in that I actually flipped it to the devil of all channels…..E!….sorry, I just dry-heaved a little bit. So I got to witness lady gaga get out of her limo looking like Amy Winehouse with nothing short of vagina-like eyebrows. HUGE. The simple fact that she wouldn’t be able to sit down in that monstrosity of an outfit meant she would open the show.
Good marketing CBS, now if you could put some decent shows on 364 other days of the year. And yes I’m counting the Super Bowl. So millions of people were sucked into the show to “see what gaga would do?” I’m pretty sure she was lip-synching and I know that she was using a back track. Weak. Elton John….gross, how many wieners has he had to eat to get that big?
Steven Colbert….best part was when told Jay-z “didn’t get one of these in your gift bag didja” as he held up an Ipad! Hovah laughed!
Blah blah blah…awards. (I do realize now that I need to write this as the shit is happening, I think that’ll make the awards complaints so much more enjoyable for me, maybe for anyone who reads this as well….especially as the alcohol starts flowing)
Next memorable thing…Beyonce killed. I don’t typically like her music, she doesn’t normally write any REAL portion of it, just slap her name on it for credit-sake. But she can perform, and damn, she’s married to Jay-z! I’m curious though, how much tape do they apply to her boobs to keep them from knocking her ass out? And was I the only dude trying to look up her skirt? Even though she performs in a glorified pair of panties half of the time….strange.
SWEETNESS, www.rollingstone.com had a live blog running, now I can’t just rip them off, shouldn’t have mentioned that.
An asterisk will follow anything www.rollingstone.com reminds me of
*Green Day’s performance killer job with the singers from their musical, kudos to them. I’m not just gonna bitch the whole time.
Taylor Swift accepts her award and is as tall as Fergie’s husband, too bad he’s got bigger boobs L
Pink comes out and made me gay for awhile, thrashing and flinging herself, soaking wet and damn near naked, about part of the crowd. “Hey thanks bitch! This is a two thousand dollar suit!” Tu-pac would have shot her!
(After Taylor Swift won her award CBS would put up a little line-up, before a commercial….Seal-6minutes, country people 13 minutes etc…. This is when I would immediately flip over to watch Iron Chef America, Battle Avocado.)
Saw what could only be described as “Avatar diarrhea + Japanese porn” or what some other people call The Black-eyed Peas’ performance. Failure x 10. I couldn’t understand what they were saying, and I could READ it on the back of the stage.
*According to www.rollingstone.com, I missed the next 35 minutes, hopefully sex was involved…if not it was nothing but Jonas Brothers, Country Band, Norah Jones, Ringo Starr
*And I missed Kings of Leon’s winning the Record of the Year. Kinda bummed me out….still does.
I came back JUST IN TIME for the worst performance of the night Jamie Foxx and T-pain…..and SLASH? Nice flushing your lofty lifetime achievements down the drain to play one of the most famous guitar solos EVER (November Rain) with the dude with the Robot voice and Shenehneh. Way to think it thorough Slash! And the mics were soooo fucked up you could hardly hear the guitar, instead words like “WHAT” and “Blame” resonated over the guitar.
*Horrible thing Kesha (she’s not getting a dollar sign) and Alvin….oh wait, Justin Beiber mentioned shit about a lousy band from New Jersey.
Zac Brown band, nice…except for the weird old guitarist….I was waiting for fucking “Soy Bomb” to jump out!
The next hour was nearly unwatchable…..Ryan Seacreat….Taylor Swift…Stevie Nicks??? WTF…..No, it gets better. Lionel Ritchie comes out…along with THOUSANDS of disposable 3-D glasses. Nice look Rhianna with your $10,000 worth of bling and some cardboard, red/blue piece of plastic stuck to your face!
Now the grand finale…For Michael Jackson…some people who are going to represent you….Carrie Underwood, Celine Dion (at this point I thought we got punked 8 months ago and he was gonna come moon walking from backstage) no, no, it’s real…Jennifer Hudson (getting a little warmer), Smokey Robinson (little warmer), and Usher (okay, just warm). They sing and shit (flipped back to watch Worst Cooks in America….and I laugh at them) and sing some more (the cookie bitch with black hair and whore tattoos fucks food up) and then they stop singing.
AND THEY BRING HIS KIDS ON STAGE!!!!!
This was a touching moment and Prince held it together and he said touching stuff, but what was odd was behind them were their much older cousins…about 5-6…I swear that all had jheri curls…and I’m not lying. I would never lie about jheri curls!
*and thanks to the rest of www.rollingstone.com’s blog…I didn’t miss shit.
