Drunk/Retarded Kevin…….3 pages of joy :)
Deaf/Retarded Kevin
This story is one of many that will come out of weekend visiting to Michigan State University and my friends there. I was blessed with a good core of hard-drinking friends who were kind enough to bum whatever hooch I was bringing to their dorms. At this time I was employed by a large construction firm operating a 50-ton crane and therefore had money to buy products other than Natural Ice Tallboys and Kamchatka Vodka. The cheapest of the cheap. The usual stay for me in East Lansing, Michigan was about 18 hours. Arrive at my point man Greg’s apartment/dorm (depending which year I visited) normally at 6pm. Beers began being consumed roughly 3 minutes later after introductions to whoever was venturing out with us that evening.
I am not aware if America knows that there is rampant under-age drinking going on at college campuses or not….because there is a shit ton of consumption.
After I arrive and meet up with Greg, Matt, and Steve; I am told that we’re going to a graffiti party at a Frat house. I hate frat guys, we ALL hate frat guys which means at some point something bad will probably happen. We also don’t enjoy graffiti parties, that is when you wear a white t-shirt over your regular shirt and then everyone at the party just walks around and signs your shirt. The Frat guys have cheap booze though, so we will attend. We polish off a quick 12 pack of Labatt’s (I brought good beer to set the tone of the evening before we drink the swill being offered from a cheap keg) and start walking towards the houses that surround the MSU campus. This limits drinking and driving because everyone walks to the party and then STAGGERS home later that evening.
By the time we arrive at the Frat house the party is already in full swing, loud shitty music, decent amount of girls, and no sausage fest thankfully. Although when this current group usually goes out there is NO desire to try and find women, the other guys would simply embarrass you so much that the chick would leave. We all pretty much had a good buzz once we got there and were just standing around drinking cheap beer, trying to think of a way to spruce up this shitty graffiti party. Eureka…I decided that in order to facilitate my own beer drinking ways faster, and to entertain myself I would play semi-retarded and deaf. This I can do with NO problem. I figure I can get some sympathy from the girls in the crowd, ask “nan I nighn yur chirt” (say it out loud…sounds like “can i sign your shirt”) and then cop a feel on a titty while I scribble something down. And I figure that the Frat guys will like a short fat retarded guy getting smashed at their party just to brag about it, they did. This expedited me to the front of the line to get my shitty keg beer.
My group of buddies were just laughing their asses off as I KILLED the crowd. Guys were high fiving me, I was touching some giggle monsters, I was becoming the deaf/retarded man. I do have to brag on myself a bit, I was TOTALLY in character, I wouldn’t respond to anyone talking to me from behind, because I had to read lips. And when I went back to as I told the girls “my bestest buddies” I stayed in character while talking to the guys. I stayed with the deaf guy voice, really drone-like and choppy, but I was saying things like: “sweet good lord, dat girl had some big titties,” “I touched one girls ass, but not the cheek, like right towards the hole,” and “I tink I can get a handy from a drunk chick.” I got no handy, but did touch some ass and boobs.
At this point we were getting tired of standing; typically we just like to sit around and make fun of people at the party, my friends saw a couch that was scooted into a corner, back to the room. When I walked over there one of the Frat guys came up and told me the Frat didn’t want any morons spilling beers onto their nice leather couch……Cha Ching bitches. Slowly our group meandered closer to “the couch” and for the next hour or so we dumped approximately 20 or so beers down that couch. I only participated in this for a little while, because a few of the girls came and I got me to meet more of their friends!!!
This could be good, meet some new 18 year old girls who….who…who think I’m deaf and probably slightly retarded. But this time I brought Greg with me, I called him my big brother (he’s 3 years younger). I felt like I was getting passed around from girl to girl, to sign their shirts and talk to them in my retarded/deaf guy voice. Greg was doing great as a semi-wing man. Maybe the special Ed teacher would be a better title for him. He was directing the girls to talk to my face “so he can read your lips” and was telling other girls that “this will make my little brother’s day to meet a pretty girl like you”…damn good job!
While taking a break from mingling with the girls, and realizing I’m so goddamn drunk I might not be able to stay in character (was NOT a problem) our group reconvened near a big gum ball machine. Delicious, let’s get some gum. Cost=25cents! WTF? Who has a pay gumball machine in their house? Apparently the DIk Frat who got 20 beers dumped on their couch. Drunken fun ensues, why not punch the machine and break the glass to get some out? This wasn’t my idea, although I was dumb enough to punch the machine once….not a big fan of pain so I was done with that. I decided I didn’t want to get my deaf/retarded ass beat for breaking the Frat’s gumball machine so I snagged Greg (with his bruised and swelling knuckles via gumball machine) and decided to get some more REAL beer and hit his place.
The part where I mentioned NOT going out of character, I had it down now. We were walking down whatever street, lots of people walking/staggering and I’m about 4 feet behind Greg and I’m using my best retard voice, and really dragging out Greg’s name “greeeeeeegggggggg”…about every 10 seconds. Greg is getting into violent/horny drunk stage, but he still can laugh so it’s not too bad. But while I’m calling out for him he’s yelling at me “don’t be a retard”….”stop acting retarded”…and “shut up retard”…….he’s just drunk and mad, and uses the word retard half as much as I do. This doesn’t sit well with the passersby on the street who begin heckling what looks like a much larger guy calling the obviously slow kid behind him, a retard.
I could hear people saying “lay off buddy”, “hey, fucker leave him alone”, “asshole”….of course I add to the cacophony of sounds with “greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegg” every 5 seconds now.
This is too much for Greg, in his new jeans, stops and turns. “Knock it off asshole, or I’ll kick your ass!” This is where my staying in character and having many many beers turns amazing. Greg is about 6-4; I’m 5-6, slight difference. After Greg postures up and threatens me, I just stop, about 5 feet away from him and stare at him like I’m gonna cry. Then I let loose a freaky fucking retard death roar and tackle his ass into a mud puddle! It was so fucking funny because he’s mad about his new jeans more so then an obvious retard taking him down in front of 30 people on a busy street! We were drunk enough that we just began laughing, and I laughed retarded of course, I was NOT coming outta character. We finally collected ourselves, decided we needed more booze of course and headed off towards 7/11.
7/11 might be the busiest place at 1:30am when they stop selling beer at 2am. Greg orders me to stay outside while he goes in and buys the beer. So I’m standing there watching him grab a case of Labatt’s and get in line. Big line, like 14 people. More people come in and a few people leave. Big line. Now my mind is thinking of what the hell I can do to embarrass him, I’m acting retarded, I can’t be embarrassed. Finally when Greg is #6 outta #17 I walk in; he knew I was coming in because he hadn’t taken his eyes off of me since he got in line. He would just mouth the word “no” and shake his head if I moved towards the door at all.
So I walk in and start saying “hungee, greg I’n hungee, hungee greg”. Greg says loudly “GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE”. Now, most of the people witnessed me outside. Short, fat, muddy, acting retarded and muttering to myself; they think I’m retarded. So after Greg tells me to leave you can hear a mumble throughout the line about “the dickhead.” But instead of leaving I scoot over to the snacks at the end of the aisle. Beef jerky, peanuts, crackers, Twinkies etc. I calmly pick up a peanut butter cracker packet, slowly (with everyone, except greg, who was looking straight ahead, watching) I stuffed the packet in my mouth and started chomping down on them. Spit them out on the floor and took off running/shuffling retardedly out the door and around the corner. I ran block away and just collapsed on the ground laughing. Greg uses that store probably 6 days a week! Finally when Greg caught up to me he told me what happened when I left.
There was TOTAL SILENCE in the store while the people in front of him paid for their stuff. When It was Greg’s turn to pay, the cashier asked if greg was paying for the crackers. He just nodded, and silently paid the bill, then walked out to find me. Luckily Greg didn’t kick my ass for that one, although there are others that he would want to even more.
I’m going over all the crazy crap that has happened in my short but fun-filled life. This is one of my favorite ones. I’m not good on details. I just write like i would speak it. Enjoy.
